caution: truth to be told here

this is my real life. my only life. my good life. why do i spend so much time wishing i had more, was more, lived more? or is it that i was less- less dramatic, less stressed, less tired, less of it all. 

this is going to be a pretty real, not hiding a lot post and i hope that y'all can feel me and not take this as a cry for anything other than to face the facts that i am not the only person who feels this way. i'm not the only woman to have a baby then find her body unrecognizable. i am not the only person to feel like no matter how hard they try, it will never be enough, and that its easier to not try. this is a reality and a struggle that will most likely not make sense to some of you. but to others- this will be your reality, too. and for that reason i will be vulnerable.

ever since i had Henry i have felt those twinges of feeling like my body should be back to normal, or back to my cute little hugh school self with legs for miles and a metabolism that could fight fat quicker than thought possible. as i grew up, i faced those moments of feeling like i should look a certain way, but they never bothered me truly until after i had a baby and saw my body change dramatically and quickly. like i couldnt bounce back as quick as normal, or quickly at all. the beginning was okay, then slowly i began to realize that it was harder and harder to fight that fat. 

all i wanted to do at nap time was catch up on "one tree hill" or just sit in the silence for a minute. working out was a chore, not a pastime. and meal times came between tantrums, grocery shopping, and cleaning which meant meals for me were an apple for lunch if i was lucky and maybe some McDonalds for dinner while baby was asleep in the car. not healthy.

now- i want change. i want my husband to see me as stunning. i want to stop seeing myself in the mirror and not really look. i want to have the energy to bust through errands and meal prep to set myself up for success. i want to see myself as the Lord sees me- as a daughter, as a beauty, as someone who is worth it all. and i want to believe those things more than anything.

so here begins my journey. not to lose weight just to say i could and not eat to prove i can. i want to push myself. i want discipline. and i want to feel the way my son deserves to have his mom feel- energized, playful, happy and healthy.

welcome to the hopeful beginning, all. 

hunger

I'm hungry.

But not the type of hungry that makes me want to eat  (though anything chocolatey sounds pretty good right about now...). No its the kind of hunger that makes me realize an emptiness that needs filling. A space that feels void, but not really knowing how to make it disappear. I spend my days spending money on things, just lots of things, that fill this space for a moment. Yesterday it was a new, pretty shower curtain (funny how small things can matter like that!) and a Type A breakdown of my laundry and weekly goals chart. 

I try.

I make meal plans.

I grocery shop.

I plan out the days.

and the weeks.

and the months.

I clean up the toys

and I clean up the dishes.

But at the end of the day the emptiness is still there, waiting, hoping to be filled. 

Very gradually I am learning that all these things are not what my heart desires. Only after I spend my time in truth and the Word will I feel the emptiness make its way out of my hours, then my days, then my heart.

Holy Ground

I found a reason to be happy today. I mean- I know I have more than I could count, but today I found one right before my eyes. You see, we recently got an iPod dock for our kitchen and I am diggin' it. Anyone who knows me knows that I love having music on all hours of the day. Getting ready isn't the same unless theres an awesome Pandora station in the background setting the mood for the day. So its become a new joy and semi tradition to have music playing while I am cooking dinner and Henry is in the high chair in the kitchen with me. On tonights iPod: Taylor Swift, Red ablum. mmm. Now thats a way to make dinner! So the song Holy Ground came on and of course, I started dancing (go listen to that song and try NOT to dance around the room.) Its nothing weird to see me dancing randomly, but tonight I realized how much Henry loved it. I was spinning, shaking, and boogeying away and I looked over to see him laughing and clapping. What joy! I realized in that moment that this is the person I want my son to know and love- the one who stops in the middle of making dinner to dance and sing with him. Not the one who powers through the day only to realize missed opportunities when all the pitter patter of feet have gone to their bedtime dreaming. I know there will be those days, I just hope and pray that there are more moments of forgetting the schedule and dancing in the kitchen together than speeding through an agenda. And I hope the same for you all, too!