caution: truth to be told here

this is my real life. my only life. my good life. why do i spend so much time wishing i had more, was more, lived more? or is it that i was less- less dramatic, less stressed, less tired, less of it all. 

this is going to be a pretty real, not hiding a lot post and i hope that y'all can feel me and not take this as a cry for anything other than to face the facts that i am not the only person who feels this way. i'm not the only woman to have a baby then find her body unrecognizable. i am not the only person to feel like no matter how hard they try, it will never be enough, and that its easier to not try. this is a reality and a struggle that will most likely not make sense to some of you. but to others- this will be your reality, too. and for that reason i will be vulnerable.

ever since i had Henry i have felt those twinges of feeling like my body should be back to normal, or back to my cute little hugh school self with legs for miles and a metabolism that could fight fat quicker than thought possible. as i grew up, i faced those moments of feeling like i should look a certain way, but they never bothered me truly until after i had a baby and saw my body change dramatically and quickly. like i couldnt bounce back as quick as normal, or quickly at all. the beginning was okay, then slowly i began to realize that it was harder and harder to fight that fat. 

all i wanted to do at nap time was catch up on "one tree hill" or just sit in the silence for a minute. working out was a chore, not a pastime. and meal times came between tantrums, grocery shopping, and cleaning which meant meals for me were an apple for lunch if i was lucky and maybe some McDonalds for dinner while baby was asleep in the car. not healthy.

now- i want change. i want my husband to see me as stunning. i want to stop seeing myself in the mirror and not really look. i want to have the energy to bust through errands and meal prep to set myself up for success. i want to see myself as the Lord sees me- as a daughter, as a beauty, as someone who is worth it all. and i want to believe those things more than anything.

so here begins my journey. not to lose weight just to say i could and not eat to prove i can. i want to push myself. i want discipline. and i want to feel the way my son deserves to have his mom feel- energized, playful, happy and healthy.

welcome to the hopeful beginning, all. 

Holy Ground

I found a reason to be happy today. I mean- I know I have more than I could count, but today I found one right before my eyes. You see, we recently got an iPod dock for our kitchen and I am diggin' it. Anyone who knows me knows that I love having music on all hours of the day. Getting ready isn't the same unless theres an awesome Pandora station in the background setting the mood for the day. So its become a new joy and semi tradition to have music playing while I am cooking dinner and Henry is in the high chair in the kitchen with me. On tonights iPod: Taylor Swift, Red ablum. mmm. Now thats a way to make dinner! So the song Holy Ground came on and of course, I started dancing (go listen to that song and try NOT to dance around the room.) Its nothing weird to see me dancing randomly, but tonight I realized how much Henry loved it. I was spinning, shaking, and boogeying away and I looked over to see him laughing and clapping. What joy! I realized in that moment that this is the person I want my son to know and love- the one who stops in the middle of making dinner to dance and sing with him. Not the one who powers through the day only to realize missed opportunities when all the pitter patter of feet have gone to their bedtime dreaming. I know there will be those days, I just hope and pray that there are more moments of forgetting the schedule and dancing in the kitchen together than speeding through an agenda. And I hope the same for you all, too!

the voice of truth

I'm starting to realize that music seriously speaks to my soul. I know its kinda late in the game to be coming to this conclusion, but regardless its becoming more and more clear. Take last night for instance. I was just casually making dinner for my one (!) year old little man and all of a sudden "I wanna dance with somebody" by Whitney comes on. All of a sudden he and I have transported to a full blown night club in the 80s and he laughs his sweet belly laugh while I spin and twirl around the kitchen like a crazy lady. Moments later another song can inspire me to create, design, draw, or even run and get a Master's degree. Truly. I think I have a problem... 

The reason this all came about was because I had a person very close to me hurt my heart this weekend. As I was so overjoyed with celebrating my sweet little boy, this person brought me down to a place where I felt bad about who I was unnecessarily. I have struggled with not feeling good enough for people for a long time. It draws me into a place where I second guess, get stuck in my head, and can't relax in my relationships. It has been a true struggle for me and something I have long tried to overcome. This person doesn't know this about me and therefore flung words with zero understanding of how they would hit my heart. I spent the weekend sulking, angry for the way I felt and why I knew they were wrong. It affected my day that was meant to celebrate my son and in a way that truly angered me. I felt myself in the same place of feeling like just because I heard the words she said, it somehow meant I had to accept them as truth.

Wrong.

This morning as I was driving my crying boy to Grammys (he was truly only comforted if I reached in the backseat and let him snuggle with my hand against his forehead.. It was so cute that I just drive one handed the whole way!) a song came on. I was strolling through the stations and landed on this one by chance and heard a song I hadn't heard in years- Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns. It spoke to my heart in a way I truly needed.

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone

To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is

And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"

And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

So thats what I'm doing today. Listening to the voice of Truth. Not those spoken unknowingly or with tongues of fire. Letting myself rest in that truth and find comfort in who HE knows I am.

So thankful for that.

isnt it beautiful

isn't it beautiful

the way we fall apart.

its magical and tragic,

all the ways we break our hearts.

so unpredictable,

were comfortably miserable.

we think we're invincible, completely unbreakable

and maybe we are.

but isnt it beautiful

the way we fall apart.

In July of 2011 I wrote this post. (Keep in mind that blog has gone long untamed...but the post still speaks the heart :) )

I was thinking back to that moment today and realized that once again I am sitting here snuggled up, listening to Bethany Dillon and trying all over again to heal a breaking heart. Whats interesting is both times, though my heart was breaking, there was joy exuding from it as well. Because here I am now, once again saying goodbye via blog post, tears, and prayer, to someone I loved and cherished. My sweet, feisty great grandmother went to be with the Lord today. You heard me right- GREAT grandmother. How lucky am I that I got to spend so much of her 93 years on earthing learning from her and loving her. I will always remember and cherish greatly the memories I have of our time spent at her LaPine home. How she always stuffed us with creamcicles and her famous pistachio pudding. I can picture all of the photos and art work in her house. I can smell the nail polish that she kept in her fridge and spent many nights painting my sister's and my nails. Its strange how many memories come to your mind and heart when someone you love leaves this world. Its almost like I am sitting there on my grandpa's lap, stealing cough drops out of his shirt pockets, as my grandma turns on "where the red fern grows" for the 15th time. And now my heart breaks because she never got to meet her great great grandchildren.

 She was a generation all her own and today that entire generation of my family has left, so suddenly and quietly. And as I got off the phone with my mother and let the news sink into my soul, I looked around at everyone driving by, going on with their day, this moment not affecting them. I listen to Henry babbling on in the back seat, unaware of this person who just left his world. The 2nd half of the couple where he got his middle name. A person he never got to meet.

Then my mind wanders to the place where my heart was as I wrote the previous post years ago. Realizing the beauty in death- that our loved ones have found each other and rejoice as they heal and celebrate. The realization that she is with my great grandpa, joy in their eyes and love in their hearts. 

And I let it sink in: she did get to meet my baby. Not the one I snuggled to sleep tonight, but the one who left my heart and belly two years ago. The one I will never forget, yet never held. And the one that waits earnestly for his family to enter the joyous gates of Heaven. This line from "Heaven is For Real" always made my heart melt into a puddle:

“Mom- she is okay mom. She’s happy. She prays for you and watches you. She wanted to me tell you she loves you and can’t wait for you and daddy to be with her in Heaven.”

My baby is in heaven, waiting for me and watching over me. And today, my sweet, sweet grandmother left this world and joined him. How could that not bring joy to tearfilled eyes?

a little tuesday encouragement

                                                                          Source: gagthat.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

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                                                                         Source: myrevelment.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

                                                           Source: godsradicaldaughter.tumblr.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

                                                 Source: love-remains-the-same.tumblr.com via Lindsay on Pinterest