isnt it beautiful

isn't it beautiful

the way we fall apart.

its magical and tragic,

all the ways we break our hearts.

so unpredictable,

were comfortably miserable.

we think we're invincible, completely unbreakable

and maybe we are.

but isnt it beautiful

the way we fall apart.

In July of 2011 I wrote this post. (Keep in mind that blog has gone long untamed...but the post still speaks the heart :) )

I was thinking back to that moment today and realized that once again I am sitting here snuggled up, listening to Bethany Dillon and trying all over again to heal a breaking heart. Whats interesting is both times, though my heart was breaking, there was joy exuding from it as well. Because here I am now, once again saying goodbye via blog post, tears, and prayer, to someone I loved and cherished. My sweet, feisty great grandmother went to be with the Lord today. You heard me right- GREAT grandmother. How lucky am I that I got to spend so much of her 93 years on earthing learning from her and loving her. I will always remember and cherish greatly the memories I have of our time spent at her LaPine home. How she always stuffed us with creamcicles and her famous pistachio pudding. I can picture all of the photos and art work in her house. I can smell the nail polish that she kept in her fridge and spent many nights painting my sister's and my nails. Its strange how many memories come to your mind and heart when someone you love leaves this world. Its almost like I am sitting there on my grandpa's lap, stealing cough drops out of his shirt pockets, as my grandma turns on "where the red fern grows" for the 15th time. And now my heart breaks because she never got to meet her great great grandchildren.

 She was a generation all her own and today that entire generation of my family has left, so suddenly and quietly. And as I got off the phone with my mother and let the news sink into my soul, I looked around at everyone driving by, going on with their day, this moment not affecting them. I listen to Henry babbling on in the back seat, unaware of this person who just left his world. The 2nd half of the couple where he got his middle name. A person he never got to meet.

Then my mind wanders to the place where my heart was as I wrote the previous post years ago. Realizing the beauty in death- that our loved ones have found each other and rejoice as they heal and celebrate. The realization that she is with my great grandpa, joy in their eyes and love in their hearts. 

And I let it sink in: she did get to meet my baby. Not the one I snuggled to sleep tonight, but the one who left my heart and belly two years ago. The one I will never forget, yet never held. And the one that waits earnestly for his family to enter the joyous gates of Heaven. This line from "Heaven is For Real" always made my heart melt into a puddle:

“Mom- she is okay mom. She’s happy. She prays for you and watches you. She wanted to me tell you she loves you and can’t wait for you and daddy to be with her in Heaven.”

My baby is in heaven, waiting for me and watching over me. And today, my sweet, sweet grandmother left this world and joined him. How could that not bring joy to tearfilled eyes?