caution: truth to be told here

this is my real life. my only life. my good life. why do i spend so much time wishing i had more, was more, lived more? or is it that i was less- less dramatic, less stressed, less tired, less of it all. 

this is going to be a pretty real, not hiding a lot post and i hope that y'all can feel me and not take this as a cry for anything other than to face the facts that i am not the only person who feels this way. i'm not the only woman to have a baby then find her body unrecognizable. i am not the only person to feel like no matter how hard they try, it will never be enough, and that its easier to not try. this is a reality and a struggle that will most likely not make sense to some of you. but to others- this will be your reality, too. and for that reason i will be vulnerable.

ever since i had Henry i have felt those twinges of feeling like my body should be back to normal, or back to my cute little hugh school self with legs for miles and a metabolism that could fight fat quicker than thought possible. as i grew up, i faced those moments of feeling like i should look a certain way, but they never bothered me truly until after i had a baby and saw my body change dramatically and quickly. like i couldnt bounce back as quick as normal, or quickly at all. the beginning was okay, then slowly i began to realize that it was harder and harder to fight that fat. 

all i wanted to do at nap time was catch up on "one tree hill" or just sit in the silence for a minute. working out was a chore, not a pastime. and meal times came between tantrums, grocery shopping, and cleaning which meant meals for me were an apple for lunch if i was lucky and maybe some McDonalds for dinner while baby was asleep in the car. not healthy.

now- i want change. i want my husband to see me as stunning. i want to stop seeing myself in the mirror and not really look. i want to have the energy to bust through errands and meal prep to set myself up for success. i want to see myself as the Lord sees me- as a daughter, as a beauty, as someone who is worth it all. and i want to believe those things more than anything.

so here begins my journey. not to lose weight just to say i could and not eat to prove i can. i want to push myself. i want discipline. and i want to feel the way my son deserves to have his mom feel- energized, playful, happy and healthy.

welcome to the hopeful beginning, all.