Sunday, October 13, 2013

caution: truth to be told here

this is my real life. my only life. my good life. why do i spend so much time wishing i had more, was more, lived more? or is it that i was less- less dramatic, less stressed, less tired, less of it all. 

this is going to be a pretty real, not hiding a lot post and i hope that y'all can feel me and not take this as a cry for anything other than to face the facts that i am not the only person who feels this way. i'm not the only woman to have a baby then find her body unrecognizable. i am not the only person to feel like no matter how hard they try, it will never be enough, and that its easier to not try. this is a reality and a struggle that will most likely not make sense to some of you. but to others- this will be your reality, too. and for that reason i will be vulnerable.

ever since i had Henry i have felt those twinges of feeling like my body should be back to normal, or back to my cute little hugh school self with legs for miles and a metabolism that could fight fat quicker than thought possible. as i grew up, i faced those moments of feeling like i should look a certain way, but they never bothered me truly until after i had a baby and saw my body change dramatically and quickly. like i couldnt bounce back as quick as normal, or quickly at all. the beginning was okay, then slowly i began to realize that it was harder and harder to fight that fat. 

all i wanted to do at nap time was catch up on "one tree hill" or just sit in the silence for a minute. working out was a chore, not a pastime. and meal times came between tantrums, grocery shopping, and cleaning which meant meals for me were an apple for lunch if i was lucky and maybe some McDonalds for dinner while baby was asleep in the car. not healthy.

now- i want change. i want my husband to see me as stunning. i want to stop seeing myself in the mirror and not really look. i want to have the energy to bust through errands and meal prep to set myself up for success. i want to see myself as the Lord sees me- as a daughter, as a beauty, as someone who is worth it all. and i want to believe those things more than anything.

so here begins my journey. not to lose weight just to say i could and not eat to prove i can. i want to push myself. i want discipline. and i want to feel the way my son deserves to have his mom feel- energized, playful, happy and healthy.

welcome to the hopeful beginning, all. 

Monday, October 7, 2013


I'm hungry.

But not the type of hungry that makes me want to eat  (though anything chocolatey sounds pretty good right about now...). No its the kind of hunger that makes me realize an emptiness that needs filling. A space that feels void, but not really knowing how to make it disappear. I spend my days spending money on things, just lots of things, that fill this space for a moment. Yesterday it was a new, pretty shower curtain (funny how small things can matter like that!) and a Type A breakdown of my laundry and weekly goals chart. 

I try.
I make meal plans.
I grocery shop.
I plan out the days.
and the weeks.
and the months.
I clean up the toys
and I clean up the dishes.
But at the end of the day the emptiness is still there, waiting, hoping to be filled. 

Very gradually I am learning that all these things are not what my heart desires. Only after I spend my time in truth and the Word will I feel the emptiness make its way out of my hours, then my days, then my heart.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Holy Ground

I found a reason to be happy today. I mean- I know I have more than I could count, but today I found one right before my eyes. You see, we recently got an iPod dock for our kitchen and I am diggin' it. Anyone who knows me knows that I love having music on all hours of the day. Getting ready isn't the same unless theres an awesome Pandora station in the background setting the mood for the day. So its become a new joy and semi tradition to have music playing while I am cooking dinner and Henry is in the high chair in the kitchen with me. On tonights iPod: Taylor Swift, Red ablum. mmm. Now thats a way to make dinner! So the song Holy Ground came on and of course, I started dancing (go listen to that song and try NOT to dance around the room.) Its nothing weird to see me dancing randomly, but tonight I realized how much Henry loved it. I was spinning, shaking, and boogeying away and I looked over to see him laughing and clapping. What joy! I realized in that moment that this is the person I want my son to know and love- the one who stops in the middle of making dinner to dance and sing with him. Not the one who powers through the day only to realize missed opportunities when all the pitter patter of feet have gone to their bedtime dreaming. I know there will be those days, I just hope and pray that there are more moments of forgetting the schedule and dancing in the kitchen together than speeding through an agenda. And I hope the same for you all, too!

Monday, September 30, 2013

the voice of truth

I'm starting to realize that music seriously speaks to my soul. I know its kinda late in the game to be coming to this conclusion, but regardless its becoming more and more clear. Take last night for instance. I was just casually making dinner for my one (!) year old little man and all of a sudden "I wanna dance with somebody" by Whitney comes on. All of a sudden he and I have transported to a full blown night club in the 80s and he laughs his sweet belly laugh while I spin and twirl around the kitchen like a crazy lady. Moments later another song can inspire me to create, design, draw, or even run and get a Master's degree. Truly. I think I have a problem... 

The reason this all came about was because I had a person very close to me hurt my heart this weekend. As I was so overjoyed with celebrating my sweet little boy, this person brought me down to a place where I felt bad about who I was unnecessarily. I have struggled with not feeling good enough for people for a long time. It draws me into a place where I second guess, get stuck in my head, and can't relax in my relationships. It has been a true struggle for me and something I have long tried to overcome. This person doesn't know this about me and therefore flung words with zero understanding of how they would hit my heart. I spent the weekend sulking, angry for the way I felt and why I knew they were wrong. It affected my day that was meant to celebrate my son and in a way that truly angered me. I felt myself in the same place of feeling like just because I heard the words she said, it somehow meant I had to accept them as truth.


This morning as I was driving my crying boy to Grammys (he was truly only comforted if I reached in the backseat and let him snuggle with my hand against his forehead.. It was so cute that I just drive one handed the whole way!) a song came on. I was strolling through the stations and landed on this one by chance and heard a song I hadn't heard in years- Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns. It spoke to my heart in a way I truly needed.

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

So thats what I'm doing today. Listening to the voice of Truth. Not those spoken unknowingly or with tongues of fire. Letting myself rest in that truth and find comfort in who HE knows I am.
So thankful for that.

Sunday, September 22, 2013


We will have love, will have pain.
There will be days and days and days that feel the same.
We will have fears, we will have joy,
and maybe little girls and little boys.
We will have friends,
We will have peace,
There will be nights of lights and music till you sleep.
We will be strong but we will still break.
We'll live through so much more than we could take.

With the dawn it all begins again.
Amen amen
What is done and yet to come amen.

Loving the truth of these words today.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The time when my life became someone else's for a minute.

Wow. Where do I start?

This past few days has been incredibly overwhelming in some pretty awesome ways. I am kind of laughing at myself in my previous post because obviously, I was looking for more in life. More adventure. More time with my husband. More than just nights at home catching up on "New Girl," which I am shamelessly doing as we speak, while my sweet almost one year old practices his new walking skills in his crib rather than going to sleep....

It started innocently enough. My husband, Paul, auditioned for Wheel of Fortune, made it through, and in July 2013 he and his BFF made the trek to Vegas for the show taping. Now, I received a call soon after the show was finished, and Paul explained to me what had happened. He has mispronounced a fully spelled out word, and had then lost the potential for $1 Million dollars (which makes my heart stop thinking about it) as well as about $2,400. All in all not a huge deal because we truly didn't expect much at all to come of this. We kept saying beforehand how cool it would be to pay off the car, or get a down payment for a little home. Paul works a second job on the side of his Fire Fighting career so that I can stay home with our little man, so a little chunk of change to us really goes along way in the dreaming department!

So the time came to watch the show. Our friends and family gathered together and got to experience it all first hand, while Paul closed his eyes in the back. I truly think he was gearing up for the mean texts or facebook comments that would come from this, making fun of such a silly mistake. What he got was so different and really made me realize what awesome people my husband surrounds himself with. He was getting encouragement for how unfair it seemed, and that they didn't even hear a mistake. He felt built up and as though people were going to let it all go.

Then, we woke up the next morning and it all changed! I had woken up early to spend time with a friend and Paul called with new that literally made my heart stop for a split second. The youtube video someone posted had made national news, and moments later Good Morning America called. WHAT? GMA stalked my husband (we've decided not to question how so many people got our numbers...and our parents numbers....and battalion chief's number...). They wanted him for an interview- in my home!! And seconds later, there was CNN wanting Paul to do a Portland-based interview the next morning. Now, to be fair, my dream was always Ellen. This whole morning my friends and I were talking and we kept saying- "maybe Ellen will call!! I hope Ellen calls! Do you think she's seen it?!" I am an incredibly huge fan of Ellen's and the fact that this was even something she would see was blowing my frazzled mind! We were so thrilled and honestly believed this was as far as it would go. I mean how much bigger can it get, right?


After picking my sister up, so she could feverishly storm my house and "clean" with me, (I say clean in quotations because I am fairly certain that gathering up the multitudes of crap- shoes, baby toys, laundry, and dishes strewn about and throwing them into the garage doesn't count as cleaning as much as hiding evidence of my inability to keep up with my child...) I walked in the door to a whole new surprise. Paul looked at me and said "pack up your bags, Linds. Were heading to New York city! There is a very good possibility I passed out at this point, but I ran around the house packing myself, Paul and Henry for his sleepovers with grandparents and still made the house look somewhat presentable for the GMA crew. And just like that, 24 hours after the Wheel was seen for the first time, we were jet setting on a red eye to the Big Apple and laughing at the craziness of it all the whole time.

So heres the part where we are in NYC:

First things first, we head straight from the airport at 5:45 am to the CNN studios and are welcomed by the sweetest girls ever. CNN was the crew that flew us out and were putting us up in NY and we were just so excited to be there. After a little makeup for Paul, he headed out to the show and was taping a live interview within two hours of being in NY. He did so awesome and I even got to sit in the control room with headphones and watch the whole thing. Unfortunately, I looked like one of those sewer "mice"/ huge freakin' rats that run across your toes in Central Park and finally got to change into real people's clothes just in time for a picture with the awesome show hosts.

At this point we only had CNN and Jimmy Fallon on the menu for our time in the city, but that soon changed. As we were getting ready to leave CNN and head to the hotel (and moments after the stunning Miss America walked into the green room!!!), we got a text from a producer from Bethenny Frankel's show!! Now, of course Paul didn't know what this show was and was probably going to say no, as he had to a couple other shows. But, luckily her producer also copied me in the text and I am fairly certain I texted back with a calm, yet dying-on-the-inside-can-she-tell-I-am-going-to-pass-out polite yes and just like that, we were booked for the next day.

On the way to our hotel, another call came: the Today show. ahhh. I watch this show every morning with Henry and was literally dying. Unfortunately, Jimmy Fallon had asked that we not do anymore TV until his show and Today show agreed, but they did let us tour the studio! We happened to run into, and take some awesome pictures with, Gisele Bundchen and Carson Daly and walked right past Savannah. I was in star heaven and we so enjoyed that time. And after heading back to our hotel to freshen up, we even had time for a carriage ride in Central Park!

Jimmy Fallon heaven

That evening we got all dressed up and headed to the taping for Jimmy Fallon [enter swooning here]. We showed up to an awesome dressing room with Paul's name on the door- fully stocked with yummy treats and NY specialty cookies and truffles. And we even had a page, just like in 30 Rock! The whole place truly looked like we were on 30 Rock- it was awesome. After being there and spending time with the super nice writers and bookers, Jimmy Fallon walked right by after rehearsals, stopped and did a double take to Paul, and came right over to shake it hand saying "Paul, dude! We are so happy you're here!! We have all watched the video and you seriously got robbed! We love you!" and fun things like that. He was so so sweet. And we even got pictures with him later!

Now, the guest that evening was Hugh Jackman [enter even more swooning here....] and we were so excited. His dressing room was 2 doors down and we were expecting a quick wave then to really not chat with him much after. Another wrong! When he walked in I looked over and must have been awkwardly staring, because he came right up to me! He shook my hand and said "Hello, I'm Hugh" and I ever so nonchalantly replied "Hi, I'm Lindsay....I'm umm....I'm nobody..." COOL. Way to go, Linds. That wasn't weird or anything. He shook Paul's hand and really sweetly asked why we were here [a question we got a lot haha. They were all so nice about it but I think people wanted to know what the hell we were doing there!!]. Paul explained the You Tube viral video and he said he would watch. Well, about 5 minutes later Hugh came into our dressing room yelling "You were robbed!!" He chatted with us for about 10 minutes, took photos with us and even has one of him and Paul on his phone! He tweeted that Paul was robbed- I couldn't believe it!! On his phone is a photo of my husband! And, I even taught him a cool trick about how to get to your camera easier on your phone. I got to hold his phone and everything. So I pretty much spent that entire evening looking like someone had shoved a coat hanger in my mouth. And- we even got a Corner Curio Cabinet from Jimmy Fallon filled with awesome goods! This evening with forever be a highlight of my life and Paul and I are in continuous disbelief.

We spent the evening later at an awesome dinner with my BFF and hubby, and then some Tasti D-Lite in Times Square. So fun.


So we had spent some time during our first day there with Bethenny's awesome producer and were so excited for her show the next morning! When we got there we had the cutest dressing room and both our names we on the door. That can only mean one thing- I get to be on the show too! At this point I turned into the giddiest little girl you've ever seen and spent about 4 hours that day speaking way too high pitched and trying desperately to contain my smiling and squealing. Luckily, the producers who spent the day hanging out with us were SO fun and completely allowed and encouraged my squealing, so that was great. It was truly like spending a day with awesome friends and we completely enjoyed that experience. They even brought be back for hair and makeup like someone who is actually cool! I died.

When it was time to go on the show I got so nervous. I had to pee like crazy, yawned even though i wasn't tired, and couldn't drink water because of my lipstick, but somehow felt as parched as if I were in a desert. Yikes. But the show was so fun, so much energy and Bethenny was the sweetest. Oh, and the 7 day all expenses trip to Antigua doesn't hurt! Seriously, we have spent today looking at the resort and are so excited to go on this trip. We would never do anything even close to something like this for ourselves, but its always been a dream. I know that trip will be one of the high lights of our life together.

Now, were home.

And life is good. I loved coming home to my sweet baby boy who I missed so much. And I love that I so enjoy my life, that coming home from a high like that isn't sad. We feel so so blessed- I honestly can't even describe how blessed we feel. This experience as a whole was so life changing in the smallest ways and we just can't get over the opportunities we have had. We are very thankful to everyone who played a part in the last few days and feel so overcome with support and love.

Its still overwhelming to me that any of this happened because it seems like it would be someone else's life. But here we are, having lived it ourselves, and feel so blessed because of it.

Hope y'all enjoyed this way long synopsis!

Monday, September 16, 2013

more than just getting by

do you ever get those feelings where you feel trapped and out of breath, belly churning with anxiety, yet at the same time you feel untethered and disconnected? its strange how you can feel two completely opposite emotions at the same point in time. thats where my heart is- disconnected but smothered in a way. its one of those things where you feel like a day in your favorite place on the planet (aka Wildhorse Canyon) could cure your soul- but you know deep down that its more than that.

life is so big. its scary, and you never know whats around the next turn. but its beautiful in that as well- and i want to live that beauty. i want to be unafraid and live unashamed. without over-anazyling, constantly in my head, hearing the lies but refusing to believe the truths. life is beautiful, and i want that beauty to permeate from my heart. and i feel such sadness when i realize the reality too often is that we just need to get by. to get through the day. to simply survive.

but where is the beauty in that? 

beauty is in the messy living room because the baby is having so much fun. it is in the pizza for dinner because the adventurous recipe was a little tricky. beauty is a date night at costco because thats all the budget allows. its when jumping on the bed with a toddler is way more fun than getting ready for work. when you push bedtime a bit just to get those extra sleepy baby kisses.

i don't know about you- but i prefer that life than just "getting through the day"